lifeless … meaningless …

i dont find any meaning to many things around me… better yet, i still cannot define my own existence.

anything and everything that i choose, sometimes seems to be in perfect conflict with what everyone is thinking. in fact, barely anyone sees what i see, although they claim it so wonderfully to understand and comprehend each and every bit of my feelings.

i begin to hate and detest just about everything that surrounds me. i so dearly want to get away from it all, and never return. life is becoming so meaningless to me… everything i do is for someone else, barely anything for myself.

at each time i make a decision, its not me or my future that i think about, its those that are around me. my future? well i’m not even sure that it exists. what do i really want? i begin to lose meaning of the words “want” and “need”.

do i need or want anything at all? yes i do, and who doesn’t. the question is it that i so dearly want or need? recently i went to the place i have lived in for more than half my life. what do i find there, despite the ruthless amount of criticism i hear each day? peace… just one word.

i so much want to return to those days when i was not responsible for anything. today, i try my best to have the best of behaviour and attitude with every single person i come across… and what do i get in return? scorns? yelling? abusive language? threats? what the hell is this life all about? can’t i get one moment by myself, where i can be at peace with just myself?

i guess i am at fault here… shouldn’t trust anyone i guess… its just not safe anymore to be equally nice to everyone…

i’ve had enough of being the polite one. everyone takes what i do for granted, and i just end up at the losing end. i’ve had enough of this. THAT’S IT!!!

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